


Owls

by rane_ab



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Animal Transformation, Canon - TV, Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-07
Updated: 2012-06-07
Packaged: 2017-11-07 04:38:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/426989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rane_ab/pseuds/rane_ab
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When someone decides to poison Arthur's wine, Merlin and Arthur seem to find themselves in a bit of a pickle... (Set during S1.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Owls

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the 2009 [Summer Pornathon](http://summerpornathon.livejournal.com), for the dialogue only challenge.

“Merlin.”

“Yes, Arthur?”

“Well, aren’t you going to say something?”

“Er. You have a very shiny plumage, sire?”

“…”

“And, oh, my, what big eyes you have.”

“Merlin – ”

“No, really, I think I can see myself in them. Hey, is that a – ” 

“ _Merlin_ , - ”

~

“Well, I did think that wine tasted a bit funny.”

“ …You do realise you’re not actually supposed to _drink_ my wine, don’t you?”

“Yes, I see that now. Lots of people don’t seem to like you very much. Can’t imagine why.”

“Yes, and I can’t imagine how you’d end up in the stocks for a week or where the villagers would get quite that stock of potatoes.”

“You’d get bored without me.”

“Well, I might feel compelled to dress up as a villager and pay you a visit to mend my broken heart.”

~

“… This is clearly the work of sorcery. I don’t suppose there are any sorcerers in your family, are there? Because only someone with your limited faculties would come up with the idea of turning me into an _owl_.”

“Well, I suppose we could’ve been pigeons. Then we’d probably be served at dinner tomorrow.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Merlin, I always get served at dinner. Speaking of which, I’m starving. Go and find me some food. And something to drink, while you’re at it.”

~

“ … What are you doing?”

“I’m sharpening my claws, what does it look like?”

“All right, sire, why are you sharpening your toes, then?”

“So that I can scratch your stupid owly eyes out, Merlin.”

“…”

“So that I can defend myself should anyone come in and think we’re a bit of fun prey, you idiot. Although the other option might relieve some of this tension.”

“I’d be terrible at shining your armour while blind.”

“Oh, good, no one should notice the difference, then.”

~

“I flew into Gaius. He _cooed_ at me.”

“…”

“And then tried to get me to drink a suspicious looking liquid.”

“Oh, right. I think he mentioned needing owl talons for one of his cures.”

“He - _what_?”

“Er. I’ve generally found it a good idea to stay away from Gaius once he starts cooing, sire.”

~

“Well, I’m bigger than you.”

“No. No, you are not.”

“… You’re standing on your toes.”

“Shut up, Merlin.”

~

“I would just like to make it perfectly clear that as soon as we’re in our own bodies again, I’m going to beat you with a stick. A very sharp, pointy, vicious stick.”

“Of course, sire. Bit of rat?”

~

“What’re you – did you just – _on my dresser_?”

“Sorry, couldn’t help myself.”

“That’s – that’s disgusting, Merlin.”

“Look, I said I was sorry, all right? Keep your fluffy feathers on.”

“ _That’s an heirloom from my great-grandfather._ ”

~

“Would you stop shuffling around? You don’t have lice, do you?”

“Ugh. No. Don’t think so, anyway.”

“Well, then, keep still. You’re the one who wanted a nap.”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“Merlin. What is it?”

“Nothing, sire.”

“…”

“…”

“ _Merlin._ ”

“Sorry.”

“I will beat you.”

“No offence, but I – ” 

“I will peck your eyes out. You look ridiculously slow.”

“… What is it with you and my eyes?”

“They’re golden.”

“Er.”

“Easy target.”

~

“Um.”

“ _Yes_?”

“Just. Out of curiosity. It’s not mating season for owls, is it?”

“What?”

“You really do have a very shiny plumage. Sire.”

~

“I realise your brain just shrank to the size of one of those coat-buttons you can never be bothered to polish properly, but really, how much difference could it make?”

“Hey!”

“I’ve turned into an owl, Merlin, not a _girl_. However difficult the distinction may be to you.”

“ …You’ll do in a pinch.”

~

“Skrflhoooooh.”

“Would you still transform back if you were dead? Hm. I suppose Morgana would be very annoying about it.”

~

“Sit. Still.”

~

“Stick. Pointy. _Sharp._ ”

~

“Oh, for – go on, then, get a move on.”

~

“Hoo. Hoo. Hooo.”

“… Hoo?”

“Hoo. Hoooo. Hooooo. Wooohoooo!”

~

“Did. Did you just – ?”

“… Oops?”

“…”

“On the bright side, the spell only lasted for a few hours?”

“What’re you – ?”

“Er. Cleaning up my mess, sire?”

“ _With your tongue?_ ”

“You know, I could swear your prick doesn’t usually stand up like that under normal circumstances.”

“…”

“Seems only fair I fix the problem I caused, don’t you think? Hmmm.”

“ – _Hgnuh_?”

“We should try for pigs next time, they seem to have a lot of fun.”

“I’ll. Be sure to – send a note – to all sorcerers – right away. _Fuck_ , – ”


End file.
